Try to Understand First

What would our world look like if we tried to understand instead of being understood?

My sister has been visiting from New Jersey for the past few weeks. She has three kids who are two, four, and six. She is a busy lady. The youngest, Lois, talks all of the time, like two-year-olds do. Most of the time we can understand her, but sometimes we can’t. When we can’t, whoever is talking with her, whether it’s my sister, my mom or dad, my kids or me, we politely ask her to repeat her phrase.

She will. Sometimes she has to repeat it several times before we figure it out. Sometimes, whomever she is speaking with will call another person over to help them figure it out. No one ever gets annoyed with her and she rarely gets annoyed with us. We all are making an honest effort to communicate and we all seem to understand that, even the toddler.

As I was watching my sister interact with her, the other day, it really struck me, how different our world would be, if we all made the concerted effort to really understand each other. So often, we only half-way listen to the person speaking to us because we are busy formulating our response. We really want that person to understand our point; but what about their point?

Stephen Covey once said, “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.”

What would our relationships look like if we followed that logic? What if we really listened to our spouses when they were carrying on about something we might think is ridiculous? What if we really tried to understand why he/she is angry or upset? There is  usually some underlying reason.

When our teen says something rude or does something that we find unacceptable, what if we tried to find out the why before doling out the punishment? Don’t get me wrong here. Teenagers are a breed unto themselves with bodies that have grown much faster than their brains. I’m not saying that we should treat them as adults or best friends. They are still children. But, their mistakes are often just that, mistakes. They are also often teachable moments. Maybe, we would get better behavior and more communication if we made the effort to understand the why.

What about the co-worker or neighbor that drives us crazy with incessant chatter about this or that? Have we ever asked ourselves why this person is never quiet? Have we ever thought about walking a mile in their shoes?

I have tried this approach with my own kids when we talk about the difficult people in their lives. The ones who annoy them the most or who act out the most, usually have the worst home life. While that doesn’t excuse bad behavior, I’m as much a mama bear as the next woman when it comes to my cubs, it teaches empathy. In my mind, empathy is something we’re all short on these days.

So, I’m keeping little Lois in mind and trying to understand first, before seeking to be understood. It’s not always easy, but I think it’s worth a try. Care to join me?

Have an awesome day!

Wendy 🙂